Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
