Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
