My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize