i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize