Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
