I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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