Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
