When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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