I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
