I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
