I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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