I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
