i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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