my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
