I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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