I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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