I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
ugly people sure do ruin things
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
