This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
