I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
