The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
