I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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