If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The dick lei will go down in squad history
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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