I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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