That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
