She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
