Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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