The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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