I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
