and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
