Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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