There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
