I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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