My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
