if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my being single is dangerous.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
