I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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