the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
