Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
