Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
