i don't like sucking hair
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
