3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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