Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
