When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
