I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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