If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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