She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
