You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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