I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
