i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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