Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
they need to just BURY HIM!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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