Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
