You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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