i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
