I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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