I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
