God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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