dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
