just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
